What’s the hardest thing in MASc. so far? Physics problems or calculus equations? Neither.
Surprisingly, the greatest difficulty I currently face in my Master’s program concerns soft skills: the ability to pull myself up by the bootstraps to stay focused, organized, motivated, and completing the important stuff. Without the tight structure of course schedules and the luxury of having classmates— other people who are doing the same thing you’re doing, who are both helping you and competing with you— it is hard to keep myself on track and to know what exactly needs to be done and when. I am in dire need of what I feel are the three essentials in graduate research: correct self-navigation/self-direction, self-discipline, and self-motivation.
This is quite different from the battles I fought this same time last year. The course-based segment of the MASc. program (year 1 congruent to M.Eng program) was characteristically BCIT: we were thrown on a fierce burner and cooked on high power. We swam in a boiling hot soup of intense coursework with the usual ingredients: massive-volumes of highly proprietary learning material, long lectures, tight deadlines, challenging assignments, demanding projects and laboratory work specified to industry standards etc., all expertly designed to harden us into shining, well-equipped candidates ready to serve the industry. The alarm was always ringing and siren always blaring- stress, pressure, and fear mixed with the desire to excel were harsh but very effective taskmasters.
However difficult my courses-based first year, all was delivered to me on a huge silver platter. Despite being chronically sleep-deprived, suffering from fried brains (NOT by drugs or alcohol) and having zero life, I LOVED the adrenaline and the material (still do!). I was energized by rigor and intensity- being in a pressure cooker atop a blazing burner, there was no need to worry about starting the fire or keeping it going.
Well, now it’s an entirely different story. On multiple occasions I struggled to discipline myself to stay on track, or to get back in gear from too-relaxing breaks. The nature of my research is to work autonomously and to tackle some difficult stuff on my own (read about the Goliaths I am reluctant face right now as a scrawny “David-hopeful” here). These are things that make me want to turn away, hide, or doze off, things that make me ultra-susceptible to countless temptations and stumbling blocks threatening my graduation! (For example, non-essential internet activities…)
There are no concrete exercises prescribed to help me learn, no “assignment due” alarms going off every couple of days, no classmates to gauge my progress against, and no textbook chapters or lecture n to testify any form of forward movement. Research is not so linear and so clear-cut. There is much less sense of control. Although I did set up a rough research schedule and tried to predict the building blocks I may need, things seem to be congealing at a unfamiliar rate and in unfamiliar ways.
Worst of all, if I give into being lazy one week, if I give into frustration and put some task aside, or if I unwittingly step onto a wrong path, I won’t feel any immediate pain- no burning guilt or goading anxiety. But, this is far more deceptive and dangerous than missing an assignment for a course. I would only be fooling myself to indulge in laziness and comfort when I should stay persistently focused on learning difficult topics and developing important skills.
So I share this unpleasant truth that is enormously beneficial to be alert to: the biggest liar (and let-downer) in one’s life is often one’s very self— not anyone else. Our pain receptors seem to be less sensitive, even numb, when it comes to our own vices— even when they can kill us. Knowing how treacherous I can be against myself is the first step to winning.
So I must stay vigilant!
Share some words of encouragement! Peer support and student fellowship is the best remedy against those extra Youtube windows… YOU can help me stay focused. So please do. :)